Welcome, friends, to the second edition of Bob’s Educational Corner. Tonight, we have a very special guest: St. Eleutherius, the thirteenth Pope. Thank you for joining us, your Holiness.
St. Eleutherius: A pleasure, my child.
Bob’s Educational Corner: Now, to start, I want to let everyone know a little about tonight’s format. Education is a serious subject, but we here at Bob’s Educational Corner believe it’s important to make it fun and engaging, as well as informative and relevant. To that end, we invite our guests to help us decide what would best suit the interview. And for tonight, St. Eleutherius has requested a boxing match.
St.E: I felt an MMA match would be too uncivilized for tonight’s discourse.
BEC: I can certainly understand that, Eminence. *Putting on gloves.* Now, I’ve read that you were instrumental in early Christianity’s stand against the Montanist movement. Would you say that’s accurate?
St.E: *Jabbing the air, bouncing from foot to foot.* To a point, yes. I do not want to imply I pushed against them from the start, but when it seemed actions need be taken, I ensured that they were.
BEC: I see. *Right hook.* So did you feel this philosophy had to be stopped?
St.E: *Sidestep, right jab* The philosophy was heretical, true, but my major concern was the welfare of the faithful. I acted only when their souls were in danger.
BEC: *Shoulder block.* So you’ve written in your memoir, “I Was a Teenage Radio to God”. But what about the claims that you are secretly a vampire, and wanted to turn the church into a personal blood-bank? *Vicious left to the face*
St.E: *Skillful pirrouete* My child, I am the Pope. I can not be a vampire, any more than you can be a good Catholic. *Uppercut counter*
BEC: *Retreating, attempting to circle* So you deny the reports linking you to virgins drained of their blood, armies of undead servants, and Godzilla? *Jab! Jab!*
St.E: Blasphemy. *Duck, twist* I never even met Godzilla.
BEC: And your comment on pictures showing you, at a White House fund raiser in 1954, drinking punch with the aforementioned giant lizard? *Hard left to the chin*
St.E: *Off balance, reeling* You cannot expect me to remember the guest list of every function I attend. I am sure I have had punch or shared a hooker with dozens of Washington insiders at one time or another-*Glancing hook to solar plexus*- mere pleasantries of state, not evidence of collusion.
BEC: *Backing away* Then you also deny stories of a drunken bender in 1521, when you, Godzilla, and Martin Luther trashed the Vatican’s guest room? *Hurricane Fist*
St.E: I plead the Fifth! *Crane Parts Lilly Pad*
BEC: This is not a criminal trial, your Holiness! *OBJECTION* The Fifth can not be invoked!
St.E: I have diplomatic immunity from jurisprudence! *Legal JargPWND*
BEC: Your mother has diplomatic immunity! *C-c-c-combo!*
St.E: Your FACE has diplomatic immunity! *Moose and squirrel!*
BEC: Your mustache looks like Hitler’s! *Third Reich’d!*
St.E: Your FACE looks like Hitler’s! *Denied!*
Referee: *Whistle* Stop! Break it up, break it up! Invoking Nazis is grounds for disqualification. Both sides forfeit- match is a draw. *Godwin’s Law-ed!*
BEC: *Wiping blood from eye and offering free hand* Thank you for joining us, your Eminence.
St.E: *Spitting out tooth and shaking hand* My pleasure.
BEC: That’s all for this installment of Bob’s Educational Corner. Join us next time, when my concussion fades and I stop tasting purple. Good night, and good learning.