Welcome, friends, to the second edition of Bob’s Educational Corner. Tonight, we have a very special guest: St. Eleutherius, the thirteenth Pope. Thank you for joining us, your Holiness.
St. Eleutherius: A pleasure, my child.
Bob’s Educational Corner: Now, to start, I want to let everyone know a little about tonight’s format. Education is a serious subject, but we here at Bob’s Educational Corner believe it’s important to make it fun and engaging, as well as informative and relevant. To that end, we invite our guests to help us decide what would best suit the interview. And for tonight, St. Eleutherius has requested a boxing match.
St.E: I felt an MMA match would be too uncivilized for tonight’s discourse.
BEC: I can certainly understand that, Eminence. *Putting on gloves.* Now, I’ve read that you were instrumental in early Christianity’s stand against the Montanist movement. Would you say that’s accurate?
St.E: *Jabbing the air, bouncing from foot to foot.* To a point, yes. I do not want to imply I pushed against them from the start, but when it seemed actions need be taken, I ensured that they were.
BEC: I see. *Right hook.* So did you feel this philosophy had to be stopped?
St.E: *Sidestep, right jab* The philosophy was heretical, true, but my major concern was the welfare of the faithful. I acted only when their souls were in danger.
BEC: *Shoulder block.* So you’ve written in your memoir, “I Was a Teenage Radio to God”. But what about the claims that you are secretly a vampire, and wanted to turn the church into a personal blood-bank? *Vicious left to the face*
St.E: *Skillful pirrouete* My child, I am the Pope. I can not be a vampire, any more than you can be a good Catholic. *Uppercut counter*
BEC: *Retreating, attempting to circle* So you deny the reports linking you to virgins drained of their blood, armies of undead servants, and Godzilla? *Jab! Jab!*
St.E: Blasphemy. *Duck, twist* I never even met Godzilla.
BEC: And your comment on pictures showing you, at a White House fund raiser in 1954, drinking punch with the aforementioned giant lizard? *Hard left to the chin*
St.E: *Off balance, reeling* You cannot expect me to remember the guest list of every function I attend. I am sure I have had punch or shared a hooker with dozens of Washington insiders at one time or another-*Glancing hook to solar plexus*- mere pleasantries of state, not evidence of collusion.
BEC: *Backing away* Then you also deny stories of a drunken bender in 1521, when you, Godzilla, and Martin Luther trashed the Vatican’s guest room? *Hurricane Fist*
St.E: I plead the Fifth! *Crane Parts Lilly Pad*
BEC: This is not a criminal trial, your Holiness! *OBJECTION* The Fifth can not be invoked!
St.E: I have diplomatic immunity from jurisprudence! *Legal JargPWND*
BEC: Your mother has diplomatic immunity! *C-c-c-combo!*
St.E: Your FACE has diplomatic immunity! *Moose and squirrel!*
BEC: Your mustache looks like Hitler’s! *Third Reich’d!*
St.E: Your FACE looks like Hitler’s! *Denied!*
Referee: *Whistle* Stop! Break it up, break it up! Invoking Nazis is grounds for disqualification. Both sides forfeit- match is a draw. *Godwin’s Law-ed!*
BEC: *Wiping blood from eye and offering free hand* Thank you for joining us, your Eminence.
St.E: *Spitting out tooth and shaking hand* My pleasure.
BEC: That’s all for this installment of Bob’s Educational Corner. Join us next time, when my concussion fades and I stop tasting purple. Good night, and good learning.
Greetings and salutations, fair citizens, and welcome to the first installment of Bob’s Educational Corner! I’ll be giving you important and informative insight into whatever seems prudent, so put on your learning hats and let the adventure of learning begin!
Have you ever eaten a cabbage? Delicious, isn’t it? With it’s crunchy exterior and chewy candy center, cabbages are at the heart of America’s war on not-deliciousness. But did you know cabbages are filled with essential oils, and provide enough vitamin A to kill a full grown elephant? Today, we’re going to take a look at the humble cabbage, and find out why it’s America’s favorite breakfast cereal!
In the year 1492, Christopher Columbus and his best friend Jesus Christ discovered America. They were captivated by its vast plains, beautiful mountains, and promiscuous college students. But what they loved most were it’s native plants, especially a small green bush that smelled faintly of elderberries. They found that, when boiled or steamed, it gave them the energy to carve Mount Rushmore. Further, when pickled, it was an effective cure for hangovers and scurvy. The two decided to name the plant “cabbage”, an ancient Egyptian word for “kind of looks like lettuce, but isn’t”, and a new era of culinary excellence began.
Cabbage was an instant success. In the first week of release in Europe, it sold over 1.2 million copies, becoming the first North American fruit ever to go platinum. It was highly sought by the nobility, who craved its decadent texture and rich baritone singing voice, and by the peasantry, who loved how you could boil it for a while and then not starve to death that week. Cabbage was so successful, in fact, that famed artist Leonardo DiCaprio featured it in his masterpiece “The Sistine Chapel”. It was a golden time for the cabbage, and for Europe.
By 1602, however, the cabbage furor had died down. While still popular as a cure for shingles, and for its uncanny resemblance to Rob Reiner, most people thought of cabbage as a kid’s food, or something only eaten on holidays. There was even a town, just outside Sicily, where no one had never even heard of cabbage. Of course, the entire populous had been killed by barbarians several decades earlier, but the fact was undeniable: cabbage just wasn’t as popular as it used to be.
It was almost 200 years before cabbage returned to the public eye. In 1927, the Wright brothers, Orville and Ellivro, were attempting to invent the world’s first humorous answering machine message. They took a cabbage, hooked it up to their old Dodge Dart, and questioned it about foreign affairs. Much to their surprise, the cabbage was not only well versed in politics, but disintegrated Ellivro with its heat vision! Orville asked his other brother, Wilbur, to replace him, then replaced the car with a weasel he’d been saving for a special occasion. Sure enough, both brothers gained the power of flight, and the cabbage skyrocketed back into the spotlight. Demand was immense, and soon the Wrights sold the distribution rights to 20th Century Fox, who created several successful spin offs, including coleslaw, those little things on the end of shoe laces, and Jimmy Buffet.
Today, cabbage is used in everything from xylophones to brussels sprouts. Odds are good that, in the past hour, you’ve used products containing over 17,000 cabbages- more, if you own a television. So the next time you’re eating a big bowl of poached cabbage, take a moment to reflect about how much you owe to it. If I were you, I’d give it a little salute- thank you, cabbage, for all that you do- and thank you, America, for giving us the cabbage, and the freedom to eat it!