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Posts by Bob DragonSlayer
Hey kids! This is Billy. Billy is 16, the captain of his highschool football team, and the lead singer of his church choir. Say hi to the people, Billy! Oh, you can’t hear him out there, but he says hello.
Today, Billy is going to pick up his number one girl, Jezebel. Jezebel is also 16, the lead cheerleader for Billy’s team, and inferior, because she is a girl. Say hi to the people, Jezebel! You can’t hear it, but that’s okay, because we don’t care what women say.
Billy and Jezebel are going for a picnic in the park. Then they’re gonna watch a movie and go back to Billy’s place for bible study. But be careful, Billy! She’s pretty and does your homework for you, but she’s also a vessel of sin. And you know what sin leads to? Quiet, Jezebel, the men are talking. That’s right, Billy, even though you didn’t say anything. Sin leads to TEEN PREGNANCY.
Teen pregnancy is a problem sweeping the nation. You see, when a man and a woman love each other very much, they get married and, once a month, they do something boring and unpleasant until the woman gets pregnant. Then they sleep in seperate rooms and, nine months later, a baby is born!
But sometimes, a foul woman convinces a man to do this thing outside of marriage. As Satan inspired her to do this, she can use foul magic to cloud a man’s mind and make him agree. (Sometimes she’ll try to put an evil ward on the man which she purchased at the drugstore, but this is so evil that most men can resist.) When this happens, the woman gets pregnant with sin. We call this TEEN PREGNANCY.
Women who get teen pregnant are outcasts, wandering the earth in search of good Christians to feed on. They are shunned by their loved ones and spat on in the street, assuming it isn’t a Sunday, when it isn’t right to spit. Their unholy lust can only be sated by cruel acts of debauchery and sin, or removed by marrying a man and being purified by God’s love. God’s love can also be obtained for a nominal fee at any participating church, but it should be noted that most women spend all their money on shoes and weird bottles that turn up in the bathroom, so this is usually not an option.
Uh oh, it looks like Jezebel is trying to fill Billy’s head with lies. Don’t listen to her, Billy, she’s trying to- my word, young lady, such language! You see what Satan’s influence does, Billy? Run! Run away from the harlot! Hah, I’m just the narrator, what’re you going to do, throw that at the fourth wall? Wait a second, that camera’s expensive, don’t do it you little-
We here at Bob’s Educational Corner would like to sincerely apologize for this. Good night everyone!
It was a warm spring day in 1935 when a meteorite crashed into the square of a small Norwegian farming village. Eyewitnesses described the event as “dramatic” and “delicious”. A local newspaper ran the following headline: “Errant Goose Strikes Jgsrdnklstgn, Transforms Into Fireball”. Three days later, everyone in a 50 mile radius with a vowel in their name was dead.
While one would assume the loss of 34% of the area’s population would cause a panic, or at least a musical montage, the townsfolk remained resolute. Residents soon discovered that the errant space rock produced a mysterious substance. When rubbed on the skin, it produced a pleasant numbness, and when ingested, it produced a pleasant hallucination, most often involving Matt Lauer, who was at that time Prime Minister of Florida.
Within a year, Jgsrdnklstgn began exporting an ointment made of the space cream, which they called “Icy Hot”, after a Scandinavian word for “Prime Minister of Florida.” Ever since, Icy Hot has been a mainstay of medicine cabinets world wide. But what is it really? Where did the meteorite come from? And why does it whisper in our ears at night, telling us to kill?
We began our search for answers in Anaheim, California, home of the world’s second largest bowl of pudding. There, we located Herbert Gaurklestinkglktarg, who served as Icy Hot’s head of R&D from 1977 to 1998, when he was forced to retire and join the witness protection program. He agreed to answer our questions, under the condition that his identity remain anonymous.
Bob’s Educational Corner: Thank you for meeting with us.
Herbert Gaurldestinkglktarg, now William Streiss of 753 E. Terrace Lane: Let’s make this quick. It’s time someone knew the truth.
BEB: The truth?
HGnWSo753E.TL: Yes. Icy Hot isn’t from space at all. You see, it’s actually made out of people.
BEB: What, really?
HGnWSo753E.TL: Yes. I remember the day I found out. A lone man was running down the street, screaming at the top of his lungs, revealing the awful secret.
BEB: Are you sure that’s Icy Hot? It kind of sounds like Soylent Green.
HGnWSo753E.TL: This interview is over!
Armed with this new information, we obtained a tube of Icy Hot from a shady fellow in a dark alley, and analysed its chemical structure in the lab. While the bulk of the cream is common heroin, like that available at any grocery store, over 9% was a compound unknown to modern science.
We quickly took our findings to a local witch doctor. After consulting with the spirits, as well as reading tea leaves and conducting a credit check, he informed us that the mystery substance was indeed not of this world. In fact, he added, it was so foreign to our planet that it did not even exist. Visibly shaken, he grabbed a nearby bottle of absinthe and locked his office door, refusing to answer any questions until our investigators got bored and left.
The secret of Icy Hot remains elusive. Repeated calls to Icy Hot’s CEO, his wife, and his children have gone unanswered. All written requests for information have been met with automated responses thanking us for our interest in the product and offering fabulous coupons worth over 20 dollars in savings. Rest assured, however; despite these setbacks, we here at Bob’s Educational Corner are dedicated to finding the truth. Thank you for joining us tonight, and remember to tip your wait staff.
In honor of Thanksgiving, tonight’s edition of “Bob’s Educational Corner” will be a musical history of the holiday. Unfortunately, Bono had to cancel at the last minute, but we were able to hire a local musical group called “Zombies for Tofu”, who I’m told will sing an original composition they call “Happy Thanksgiving!”. Let’s see if they’re ready.
*Lights dim, spotlight illuminates stage. A greasy mass of hair, tattoos, and piercings takes the mic.* “Hi, we’re ‘Zombies for Tofu.’ Tonight, we’re gonna sing you a song from our new album, ‘Eating Babies For Breakfast’, available now from the trunk of Steve’s mom’s station wagon. Here’s ‘Happy Thanksgiving!’”
Thanksgiving is a time
When the Pilgrims and the Indian people
Got together to kill turkeys
And serve small animals with pie
Satan likes pie
Nobody said that
But everyone there knew it
And then the Indians got smallpox
Given to them by Satan
And also blankets full of smallpox
but mostly Satan
Cause Satan loves pie
Does a lot of shit for pie
He’d kill you for a pie
And then he’d eat your soul
Cause it tastes just like a pie
Though without the creamy toppings
And more soul aftertaste
And I see you baked a pie
Full of pumpkin I presume
Cause you do that for Thanksgiving
So I’m giving thanks to Satan
And now he ate your pie!
That you worked so hard to make!
And he killed off all your house plants!
Cause he’s Satan and he does that!
Bob’s Educational Corner would like to remind everyone that the views expressed by our guests do not necessarily represent the views of this show or this website. Goodnight!
On tonight’s episode of Bob’s Educational Corner, we are proud to present “Science”.
Science. It’s all around us. If you turn on a TV, or eat an ice cream cone, or bludgeon a homeless man to death with an oscilloscope, you are enjoying the benefits of science. It enriches our lives and plagues our dreams, and is one of the most important parts of a balanced breakfast. But science can’t happen by itself, unless it’s also a wizard, but that is stupid and so are you for thinking it. Science requires The Scientific Method, so let us first examine The Scientific Method.
The Scientific Method was invented in 1776 by Al Gore (Al Gore is best known for his invention of The Scientific Method, and for being mentioned in this article). He discovered that, if you heat a test tube in a Bunsen burner while wearing a white lab coat, the very fabric of the universe itself will bend to your whim. With The Scientific Method, he was able to create America, simply by willing it into existence. Then he banged a hot Asian lab assistant and took a nap. This laid the foundation of all modern science.
Try an experiment. Close your eyes and fall off a cliff. Did you notice that you hit the ground? If not, you should seek medical attention. But if you did, you just experienced science! And should seek medical attention. But why did you fall? You fell because your body was attracted to science particles in the ground. These particles are named Fred and Suzanne, so pick the one that makes you feel better about yourself. Every object, no matter how large or small, is filled with science. Sometimes this takes the form of particles, like in the ground. But science is not limited to particles!
Science comes in many forms. This sentence, which is being beamed directly into your eyeballs through your computer, is filled with delicious sciencey jelly. Your clothes, if you’re wearing any, you perv, are composed of long strands of science, woven together by skilled scienticians, who love working with science to make your day better. They love it so much, in fact, that they often work all day for free, not even stopping to eat or sleep. Their dedication is inspiring, and is itself composed of sticky nodules of science.
Every year, Scienticians, which are people who study science and are very good in bed*, discover new types of science. They use sophisticated instruments, such as the monocle, to probe every aspect of existence in their search for science. No location is too remote to investigate in their quest. Recently, for example, science was discovered in the deepest jungles of South America. Braving harsh weather and enraged hippies, Scienticians bulldozed these jungles and salted the earth, causing the science to rise to the top. Through careful study, it was determined that this science caused laboratory animal’s skin to turn golden brown, then explode. Tanning lotion containing this science is already available in most major stores.
We have only scratched the surface of science, but I hope your sense of wonder has been kindled. If you would like to learn more about science, you can write your local congressman and ask for an informational packet. You can also use LSD, which is so full of science that you’ll think your head is going to explode because there are, like, so many monkeys in your brain. And to answer your question, yes- the monkeys are also made of science. Good night, and good learning!
*This statement paid for by the American Society of Scienticians.
Welcome, friends, to the second edition of Bob’s Educational Corner. Tonight, we have a very special guest: St. Eleutherius, the thirteenth Pope. Thank you for joining us, your Holiness.
St. Eleutherius: A pleasure, my child.
Bob’s Educational Corner: Now, to start, I want to let everyone know a little about tonight’s format. Education is a serious subject, but we here at Bob’s Educational Corner believe it’s important to make it fun and engaging, as well as informative and relevant. To that end, we invite our guests to help us decide what would best suit the interview. And for tonight, St. Eleutherius has requested a boxing match.
St.E: I felt an MMA match would be too uncivilized for tonight’s discourse.
BEC: I can certainly understand that, Eminence. *Putting on gloves.* Now, I’ve read that you were instrumental in early Christianity’s stand against the Montanist movement. Would you say that’s accurate?
St.E: *Jabbing the air, bouncing from foot to foot.* To a point, yes. I do not want to imply I pushed against them from the start, but when it seemed actions need be taken, I ensured that they were.
BEC: I see. *Right hook.* So did you feel this philosophy had to be stopped?
St.E: *Sidestep, right jab* The philosophy was heretical, true, but my major concern was the welfare of the faithful. I acted only when their souls were in danger.
BEC: *Shoulder block.* So you’ve written in your memoir, “I Was a Teenage Radio to God”. But what about the claims that you are secretly a vampire, and wanted to turn the church into a personal blood-bank? *Vicious left to the face*
St.E: *Skillful pirrouete* My child, I am the Pope. I can not be a vampire, any more than you can be a good Catholic. *Uppercut counter*
BEC: *Retreating, attempting to circle* So you deny the reports linking you to virgins drained of their blood, armies of undead servants, and Godzilla? *Jab! Jab!*
St.E: Blasphemy. *Duck, twist* I never even met Godzilla.
BEC: And your comment on pictures showing you, at a White House fund raiser in 1954, drinking punch with the aforementioned giant lizard? *Hard left to the chin*
St.E: *Off balance, reeling* You cannot expect me to remember the guest list of every function I attend. I am sure I have had punch or shared a hooker with dozens of Washington insiders at one time or another-*Glancing hook to solar plexus*- mere pleasantries of state, not evidence of collusion.
BEC: *Backing away* Then you also deny stories of a drunken bender in 1521, when you, Godzilla, and Martin Luther trashed the Vatican’s guest room? *Hurricane Fist*
St.E: I plead the Fifth! *Crane Parts Lilly Pad*
BEC: This is not a criminal trial, your Holiness! *OBJECTION* The Fifth can not be invoked!
St.E: I have diplomatic immunity from jurisprudence! *Legal JargPWND*
BEC: Your mother has diplomatic immunity! *C-c-c-combo!*
St.E: Your FACE has diplomatic immunity! *Moose and squirrel!*
BEC: Your mustache looks like Hitler’s! *Third Reich’d!*
St.E: Your FACE looks like Hitler’s! *Denied!*
Referee: *Whistle* Stop! Break it up, break it up! Invoking Nazis is grounds for disqualification. Both sides forfeit- match is a draw. *Godwin’s Law-ed!*
BEC: *Wiping blood from eye and offering free hand* Thank you for joining us, your Eminence.
St.E: *Spitting out tooth and shaking hand* My pleasure.
BEC: That’s all for this installment of Bob’s Educational Corner. Join us next time, when my concussion fades and I stop tasting purple. Good night, and good learning.
Greetings and salutations, fair citizens, and welcome to the first installment of Bob’s Educational Corner! I’ll be giving you important and informative insight into whatever seems prudent, so put on your learning hats and let the adventure of learning begin!
Have you ever eaten a cabbage? Delicious, isn’t it? With its crunchy exterior and chewy candy center, cabbages are at the heart of America’s war on not-deliciousness. But did you know cabbages are filled with essential oils, and provide enough vitamin A to kill a full grown elephant? Today, we’re going to take a look at the humble cabbage, and find out why it’s America’s favorite breakfast cereal!
In the year 1492, Christopher Columbus and his best friend, Jesus Christ, discovered America. They were captivated by its vast plains, beautiful mountains, and promiscuous college students. But what they loved most were it’s native plants, especially a small green bush that smelled faintly of elderberries. They found that, when boiled or steamed, it gave them the energy to carve Mount Rushmore. Further, when pickled, it was an effective cure for hangovers and scurvy. The two decided to name the plant “cabbage”, an ancient Egyptian word for “kind of looks like lettuce, but isn’t”, and a new era of culinary excellence began.
Cabbage was an instant success. In the first week of release in Europe, it sold over 1.2 million copies, becoming the first North American fruit ever to go platinum. It was highly sought by the nobility, who craved its decadent texture and rich baritone singing voice, and by the peasantry, who loved how you could boil it for a while and then not starve to death that week. Cabbage was so successful, in fact, that famed artist Leonardo DiCaprio featured it in his masterpiece “The Sistine Chapel”. It was a golden time for the cabbage, and for Europe.
By 1602, however, the cabbage furor had died down. While still popular as a cure for shingles, and for its uncanny resemblance to Rob Reiner, most people thought of cabbage as a kid’s food, or something only eaten on holidays. There was even a town, just outside Sicily, where no one had never even heard of cabbage. Of course, the entire populous had been killed by barbarians several decades earlier, but the fact was undeniable: cabbage just wasn’t as popular as it used to be.
It was almost 200 years before cabbage returned to the public eye. In 1927, the Wright brothers, Orville and Ellivro, were attempting to invent the world’s first humorous answering machine message. They took a cabbage, hooked it up to their old Dodge Dart, and questioned it about foreign affairs. Much to their surprise, the cabbage was not only well versed in politics, but disintegrated Ellivro with its heat vision! Orville asked his other brother, Wilbur, to replace him, then replaced the car with a weasel he’d been saving for a special occasion. Sure enough, both brothers gained the power of flight, and the cabbage skyrocketed back into the spotlight. Demand was immense, and soon the Wrights sold the distribution rights to 20th Century Fox, who created several successful spin offs, including coleslaw, those little things on the end of shoe laces, and Jimmy Buffet.
Today, cabbage is used in everything from xylophones to brussels sprouts. Odds are good that, in the past hour, you’ve used products containing over 17,000 cabbages- more, if you own a television. So the next time you’re eating a big bowl of poached cabbage, take a moment to reflect about how much you owe to it. If I were you, I’d give it a little salute- thank you, cabbage, for all that you do- and thank you, America, for giving us the cabbage, and the freedom to eat it!