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Van Diemen’s Land – The Arsehole of Film

Tonight I was watching a movie at a friends place – Van Diemens Land – a movie made in Australia, about a bunch of convicts who escape the police and end up in the bush. They apparently turn to cannibalism. I have no fucking idea because I didn’t finish watching the movie. However this movie was totally and utterly rage inducing. Never have I watched a movie that brought my blood pressure, body heat, and anger level up so fast.

The first scene in the movie was a close-up zoom of a mans mouth from the side, as he ate fuck knows what. The camera stayed panned in for about 90 seconds, as this fucking cocksucker chewed his shit noisily, and took more bites. At this point I could not bear to stay silent any longer, and my anger made me scream out “PAN THE FUCKING CAMERA OUT FOR FUCKS SAKE”. The camera generally zoomed in on any food if there was some present in the shot, which got really fucking annoying. Did the creator of this movie think it was arty and edgy to include these shots in the film? Because if he did, he deserves to be shot. I’m sure no one wants to stand 10cm away from someone who is eating in real life, why the fuck would anyone want to watch it constantly during a movie? Stupid as fuck.

Another thing was the constant inclusion of gaelic (I think). Sometimes the 7 or 8 prisoners talked in gaelic which brought up subtitles, but other times they spoke in English. For what reason, I have no fucking idea. It didn’t make a goddamned lick of sense in the slightest. How about sticking to one language? The director of this movie is obviously a fucking prick. speaking of pricks, onto the next thing:

Dicks. There were a lot of dicks in the movie. Firstly they beat the shit out of the guard who was keeping an eye on them and stripped his clothes off, so he was naked. His dick was fucking tiny. Like it was non-existant almost. He would have been a prime forum user for MyTinyDick.net. Next they got naked to cross a stream, holding their clothes on their shoulder and wading across the river, which was fucking pointless because their shit got wet anyway, fucking retards. And during this scene we get to see their cocks. 7 scruffy convict wankers and their tiny pencil dicks. I was almost convinced they were gonna start jerking each other off in the water. And I was hoping they would emerge from the water covered in dick leeches. Because fuck you. You deserve dick leeches for agreeing to be in such a shit, annoying fucking movie.

Van Diemen’s Land is a cocksuck of a movie, and I wouldn’t recommend watching it to my worst enemy, let alone anyone else. I give it 2 stars out of 10. The only reason it gets 2 stars is because I feel sorry for the tiny cock dude. Give him some credit for getting his pin dick out on camera. But fuck the rest of the movie. If I ever meet the director for it, I’m gonna shove a fucking steak up his arse and punch him in the mouth. Fuck you.

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