Heres an article I’ve been thinking of random bits and pieces for over the week, so I’ve decided to compile them and post them. So here it is – 15 things to teach your kid as young as possible – the 15 kinds of things that should never go untaught. Ever.
1) If it ends up in the toilet, its gone forever. FOR. EVER.
2) Don’t touch anything that doesn’t belong to you. Assume everything that isn’t yours is full of spiders and KEEP YOUR GODDAMNED HANDS OFF IT.
3) Walking barefoot in sand will get you hosed the fuck down. With ice cold water.
4) Throwing your food on the floor at home, or the bin at school will get you 1: belted and 2: starved in your room until the next day.
5) Touching a dog and then touching food/other people warrants a hosing down also.
6) The computer is more valuable than you are. Remember this forever.
7) Drinking daddy/mummy’s beer/wine/bourbon while they’re not looking will get you 5 across the eyes.
8 ) Assume every adult you see is a paedophile (except your family, of course).
9) Playing in the kitchen will get you belted. Hard.
10) Playing with the telephone, or a mobile phone will get you double-belted, especially if either of them suddenly disappear.
11) Touching a toilet in any way warrants instant hand washing – with SOAP. NO EXCUSES.
12) Trying to get daddy’s attention while he’s playing videogames/watching a movie will see you locked in your bedroom until the following day.
13) Liars always get found out. Being dishonest will eventually get you belted really hard. It’s much better to tell the truth and accept a small belting up front, than getting found out in the future and being belted until sitting down brings tears to your eyes.
14) Hitting your mother will result in your father hitting you in a way that will teach you not to try that again.
15) Running amok in a shopping centre, or out in public where running amok is generally not acceptable, will result in you having the belting of a lifetime, which doubles in intensity per public outing you misbehave in. Wooden spoons may snap over your arse if belting intensity reaches certain heights.
Print these out and stick them on your fridge, or laminate them and give them to your kids. Make sure you follow through with the epic beltings though, or you’ll look soft, and everybody knows soft parents breed thugs, drug addicts, murderers and general scum!
EOF
Valentine’s Day. Where to start? I’ve never liked this “holiday”. I never have, even when I was in a relationship for it. I don’t understand anything about this day really, other than the history behind it. Which makes me wish I could find the newspaper article I wrote my sophomore year in high school…
No, it’s not because I’m single that I despise it (so don’t even begin to judge based on that), and no it’s not that I’m bitter or heartless. It’s the fact that everyone gets so caught up in this ONE day to go out of their way to show affection or whatever the crap they’re trying to show. So those of you who are quick to judge and say , “it’s just the single people that hate this holiday,” think again. It has always been just another day in the year for me to enjoy as I normally would. I can find several other friends of mine who are in relationships who would say the same as I just did.
You see guys (or girls) at the store lined up to buy roses, or little teddy bears with hearts on them, chocolates, whatever. That may be for some people, but it’s never been for me. In fact, when I was still working at the mall a few years ago on February 14th a coworker asked me nicely, “What are you doing today?” I responded, “absolutely nothing, it’s just another day.” Now keep in mind I did NOT sound angry about it or anything, I was just being honest about my plans. So he quickly and sharply responds with, “Wow someone’s single, or bitter!” Rude much? Yeah, that’s what I thought.
First off, any plants or flowers are just a bad idea for me. I DO NOT have a green thumb. I have normal skin colored ones, that don’t do anything except what thumbs are supposed to do unfortunately. I don’t remember to water plants. I don’t even remember that there are plants in my apartment if I buy them, which is why I don’t bother with spending money on them. What was brought to me in the hospital is an exception, although the dry air in there killed them pretty fast unfortunately. Hell, I don’t even remember to wear my glasses when I’m driving sometimes. I should considering I’m slightly nearsighted, and can’t see signs for where I need to get to when they are so far off in the distance (aka I won’t notice until I’m right about under that sign, and by then it’s too late). So I would feel bad if they died a few days after because I neglected them, and there’s about a 95% chance that WILL happen.
Second, I would lose something like a small teddy bear.I usually prefer gifts that are practical if I get anything at all, I love stuff that I can actually use, stuff that I can learn with, stuff that will actually entertain me, stuff that I can read…you get the point. Sure, it’s nice to get the random gifts every now and then that aren’t practical, but that stuff just ends up piling up, and becomes lost in the black hole in my apartment anyway after about a week.
Again, this is excluding the stuff I was given while in the hospital, because my mom was nice enough to create a space for them to sit on (thanks mom). Those are a completely different case because I was going through a hard time in the ICU when they were given to me. They have true meanings behind them rather than, “hey I just picked up this random thing for you from the store since i saw it on a shelf then remembered it was the 14th” type of deal.
Third, I don’t usually eat candy unless it’s around ‘that time of the month’ or I am a bit stressed. I loved it when I was a kid, but now that I’m older I’m worn out on it (candy) for the most part, so I end up wasting it (which would make me feel guilty). If I go on a binge I’d end up eating the whole box, feeling guilty again, and feeling it in my pants in the next few days when I try to button them as I’m getting dressed. Then I’d feel self conscious, depressed that I allowed myself to do such a thing, and beat myself up in my mind for not having better control. Yet again, all candy brought to my room while I was in ICU is a different case. Trust me when I tell you that I ate almost ALL of what showed up. I am not kidding, and that was A LOT of candy!
So part of what I’m trying to say is; even if I had a significant other right now I would NOT want them to spend any money on me just because of this day. It would be a waste when their money could have gone toward something better. If someone I was involved with felt like they had to buy my love, I would instantly feel like something was wrong in the relationship. I’m a pretty independent 22 going on 23-year-old woman, and I absolutely hate to feel helpless. I love to help others in any way I can, but I never expect anything back. I’m not royalty, I don’t expect things bought for me, and I don’t expect things done for me. So please don’t treat me like I am something to just spend your money on, because honestly it makes me a tad uncomfortable, and it definitely makes me feel weird. If you absolutely can’t handle this & feel you absolutely have to spend ANY money on me, then pay my rent for the rest of the year! Kidding… but help with a phone bill, gas bill, electric bill, or internet bill would be something I could and would appreciate more. That kind of stuff is practical, and when I’m not behind on payments it runs less than 30 bucks (excluding cell phone).
Finally! On to what I really just wanted to get out there with this post! Yes, it may be the thought that counts, and yes I am grateful for ANY gifts I receive no matter how cheesy, cheap, expensive, weird, big, small, fat, tiny, or color they may be. Yes, I’m glad to know people do love & care about one another, me, or some random stranger in the world. However, the thing that bothers me the most about all this is the fact that it is only focused on for one day out of the year. Why? Shouldn’t we be loving each other every day? Isn’t that why people get into relationships, or get married in the first place? You know, because they have feelings or love for each other anyway? Shouldn’t you do a little something for your other half no matter what day it is, say just because you felt like it, or felt they deserved it for being so awesome?
It’s not that hard to do something special for someone outside of this day, like maybe pick up their favorite ice cream from the grocery store while you’re out, help them finish something they may have been struggling with, pick up something from the store that they wanted, but couldn’t buy at the time, or spend a day just hanging out doing whatever they want to do. You’re obviously with this person for a reason, show them you love them every chance you that you can even if it’s not with material objects!
Okay, I’m still going. I’m just about done though, I promise! So hang in there!
Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying , “be a total pushover, and let people walk all over you.” Things are bound to go wrong if a relationship becomes one person always being the giver, and one person always being the taker instead of it being as close to 50/50 as possible. Although for me, as long as I am on the giving end at least a little bit more than 50% of the time I am content, and tons more comfortable. Yes, that has brought me into some bad situations before, but thankfully as I get older I’m at least getting a bit wiser, and know when someone is using me.
Same goes toward showing your family love too, they will always be the ones who around when nobody else is… or even when other people are! They are the ones who put up with you through your toughest times, and your toughest years (sure there may be exceptions in some cases), but never forget to tell them you love them either no matter what the day may be. You never know what’s to come, so always show your appreciation for those you care about when you can. I suffered a stroke back in January due to the AVM in my brain bleeding, and I will never take anything for granted again like simply being able to tell my family members that I love them whether it’s in writing or in text. Speaking of which, I LOVE MY PARENTS, SIBLINGS, AND ALL OF MY FAMILY! <3 ! EVERY DAY OF THE YEAR!
Oh! I would also like to add I LOVE ALL OF MY FRIENDS TOO!
Tonight I was watching a movie at a friends place – Van Diemens Land – a movie made in Australia, about a bunch of convicts who escape the police and end up in the bush. They apparently turn to cannibalism. I have no fucking idea because I didn’t finish watching the movie. However this movie was totally and utterly rage inducing. Never have I watched a movie that brought my blood pressure, body heat, and anger level up so fast.
The first scene in the movie was a close-up zoom of a mans mouth from the side, as he ate fuck knows what. The camera stayed panned in for about 90 seconds, as this fucking cocksucker chewed his shit noisily, and took more bites. At this point I could not bear to stay silent any longer, and my anger made me scream out “PAN THE FUCKING CAMERA OUT FOR FUCKS SAKE”. The camera generally zoomed in on any food if there was some present in the shot, which got really fucking annoying. Did the creator of this movie think it was arty and edgy to include these shots in the film? Because if he did, he deserves to be shot. I’m sure no one wants to stand 10cm away from someone who is eating in real life, why the fuck would anyone want to watch it constantly during a movie? Stupid as fuck.
Another thing was the constant inclusion of gaelic (I think). Sometimes the 7 or 8 prisoners talked in gaelic which brought up subtitles, but other times they spoke in English. For what reason, I have no fucking idea. It didn’t make a goddamned lick of sense in the slightest. How about sticking to one language? The director of this movie is obviously a fucking prick. speaking of pricks, onto the next thing:
Dicks. There were a lot of dicks in the movie. Firstly they beat the shit out of the guard who was keeping an eye on them and stripped his clothes off, so he was naked. His dick was fucking tiny. Like it was non-existant almost. He would have been a prime forum user for MyTinyDick.net. Next they got naked to cross a stream, holding their clothes on their shoulder and wading across the river, which was fucking pointless because their shit got wet anyway, fucking retards. And during this scene we get to see their cocks. 7 scruffy convict faggots and their tiny pencil dicks. I was almost convinced they were gonna start jerking each other off in the water. And I was hoping they would emerge from the water covered in dick leeches. Because fuck you arseholes. You deserve dick leeches for agreeing to be in such a shit, annoying fucking movie.
Van Diemen’s Land is a cocksuck of a movie, and I wouldn’t recommend watching it to my worst enemy, let alone anyone else. I give it 2 stars out of 10. The only reason it gets 2 stars is because I feel sorry for the tiny cock dude. Give him some credit for getting his pin dick out on camera. But fuck the rest of the movie. If I ever meet the director for it, I’m gonna shove a fucking steak up his arse and punch him in the mouth. Fuck you.
EOF
Recently I was watching my friend play Mass Effect 2, and noticed that he had come across an obstacle (a raised section of land) but seeing as the game has no JUMPING, he had to take the scenic route, walking up a ramped section of land for 2 minutes while being shot at. Something he could have avoided had the game included jumping. This seems to be a major fucking flaw with RPGs and even a few 3rd Person Shooters. Why the fuck can’t I just jump over this obstacle? Why was it so fucking difficult to include a jumping button, instead of making me run the fuck around things, and get stuck on sections of land raised 10cm. Notorious fuck-ups in jumping include Mass Effect (and ME2), The Witcher, MMORPG The Saga of Ryzom, Gears of War, and Star Wars Knights Of The Old Republic (and KOTOR2). Apparently Jedi’s have no fucking idea how to jump. Suddenly they’re robbed of one of the powers everyone knows they have – Force Jump. Well done Bioware, you fucking dropped the ball on this one.
Who in the FUCK decides to not include a jumping action for these games? It certainly takes a bit of fun out of the game when you have to walk around every object in your path rather than hopping over them without any difficulty. Mass Effect 2 advertises the fact that it has a shitload of hours worth of gameplay. About half of that must be walking around obstacles you could easily JUMP THE FUCK OVER. Another fuckup is that you CAN jump over cover objects, but you first need to take cover behind them, like some sort of fucking retard. The Witcher also suffers this, making you walk around low fences and getting you stuck on slightly raised objects. Its fucking irritating to the extreme.
Anyway, thats my rant for the day.
EOF
Quite often when I find myself taking an excessive amount of drugs, of any kinda, usually opiate based as I come down, I seem to experience some quite random auditory hallucinations. Nothing malicious, just random crap. Oddly enough, I usually hear these hallucinations in a female voice rather than a male, or my own voice. Sometimes the voice is high pitched like a young girl, and sometimes its deeper and more sincere like a middle aged woman. Its quite strange. But I still hear the very odd male voice every now and then.
So in this blog post i will list 20 of the sentences I have heard while hallucinating. Some are funny, some are bizarre and some are just plain fucking stupid. But its always fun to listen to them and write down what they are, so here it goes:
1. “Aww SWIMMING, SWIMMING! HOW ABOUT SWIMMING? Well, FISHING FISHING TOO”
2. “Terry can I buy you a drink?”
3. “Louise, Whats the number in a prime set?”
4. “I heard vegemite paste hit the window”
5. “Were the politics centre in the middle of the universe?”
6. “Smells like chicken *giggle*”
7. “Well then get rid of the eye, I hate it”
8. “Haircuts use Wonka cheese”
9. “I’m just terrified of old grey ladies”
10. “Wall decks, did you apply the wall decks? You’re quite silly”
11. “I couldn’t take your mum flowers, I just couldn’t. They’re made by Gypsies”
12. “What do you think? Sugar cube or sweetner?”
13. “*blabber*..and a few things come down to his surgical operation”
14. “You’re up early. Its 9pm and you’re up early. I’m drinking this wine”
15. “Just do it, go, take the high jump”
16. “Caffeine and coffee are the same thing bro, fentanyl is different by far”
17. “The shirt needs more colour in it, the shirt, needs more colour in it, it needs to be stabilised by a molecule”
18. “Princess Margaret might be driving a Rav 4 if she was still alive”
19. “The bed spreads on, I hope the pole doesnt collapse and crush the crinkle”
20. “If I set a date with a camera man….huh…uh….Spaghetti bolognaise”
And thats todays 20, stay tuned for another time in the next couple of days/weeks when I’m hallucinating again and decide to blog post about it.
Off into the wild blue yonder of drug fueled mental madness I go.
EOF.
If you are like me, you too are almost good enough. You have a dream. You have goals. And right now, you are not making real progress. You are surviving.
If you are like me, they told you that you could be anything you set your mind towards… and then never lifted a finger to help you find your calling; only two shoulders and raised palms from shrugging off the question nobody can answer for you.
If you are like me, you have squandered opportunities some would kill for. Not necessarily through carelessness, although that played a part. But because you didn’t know any right way to succeed… or where to turn for answers.
If you are like me, you’ve found an entry-level position with a soul-crushing company. Perhaps it’s not even your first. But you aren’t worried about finding anything better… not really. Not anymore.
If you are like me… you have lost that spark of hope. That belief that life can be better. It’s not because the news is horrible, though that is a piece of it. It isn’t even that you don’t make a difference in the world… because you do, in small ways, in personal ways… although it’s not enough.
I lost that spark of hope in four pieces. I failed college. I lost a job. I couldn’t learn to write a novel in two years time. I was passed over for promotion at a temp job so someone less competent, but younger, could turn to me for questions about the job I should have.
You may have lost it in other ways. But you are like me in more ways than you would like.
Someday… we will do something about it.
For today, we survive.
In honor of Thanksgiving, tonight’s edition of “Bob’s Educational Corner” will be a musical history of the holiday. Unfortunately, Bono had to cancel at the last minute, but we were able to hire a local musical group called “Zombies for Tofu”, who I’m told will sing an original composition they call “Happy Thanksgiving!”. Let’s see if they’re ready.
*Lights dim, spotlight illuminates stage. A greasy mass of hair, tattoos, and piercings takes the mic.* “Hi, we’re ‘Zombies for Tofu.’ Tonight, we’re gonna sing you a song from our new album, ‘Eating Babies For Breakfast’, available now from the trunk of Steve’s mom’s station wagon. Here’s ‘Happy Thanksgiving!’”
Thanksgiving is a time
When the Pilgrims and the Indian people
Got together to kill turkeys
And serve small animals with pie
Satan likes pie
Nobody said that
But everyone there knew it
And then the Indians got smallpox
Given to them by Satan
And also blankets full of smallpox
but mostly Satan
Happy Thanksgiving!
Cause Satan loves pie
Does a lot of shit for pie
He’d kill you for a pie
And then he’d eat your soul
Cause it tastes just like a pie
Though without the creamy toppings
And more soul aftertaste
And I see you baked a pie
Happy Thanksgiving!
Full of pumpkin I presume
Cause you do that for Thanksgiving
So I’m giving thanks to Satan
And now he ate your pie!
That you worked so hard to make!
And he killed off all your house plants!
Cause he’s Satan and he does that!
Happy Thanksgiving!
Happy Thanksgiving!
Happy Thanksgiving!
FROM SATAN!
Bob’s Educational Corner would like to remind everyone that the views expressed by our guests do not necessarily represent the views of this show or this website. Goodnight!
Have you ever wondered the things your eyes have seen, when they weren’t your eyes? The atoms that build them flowing through the universe since the begining of time, or if time is non-linear – infinitely. The star they were born in is long dead by now, and they’ve been everywhere throughout the universe, your eyes have seen everything. Yet they can not show you what they have seen, for they can not percieve their surroundings. Unlike yourself. You’ve been lucky enough to have been born as an organism. A piece of the universe, like the stars and the planets, but with absolutely no explanation of your existence. If the atoms you were built from could show you what they have seen, could you percieve it? Would your capacity to understand and to interpret their reality be advanced enough to process the infinite stream of information tied to the atoms? Are we as a part of the universe old enough to even begin to understand the reason for anything? An infinite amount of human races in an infinite amount of universes, all having pondered the purpose for our existence, yet no conclusive cause exists. Do we even want to know? And would knowing make us better for it?
Just something thats been buzzing in my head for a few days. I think I’m going mad, but that might be fun. Who knows?
EOF
You thought you were safe, didn’t you? With your lidded trash can and your double-pane windows and that big front door of yours. Indoors stays in, outdoors stays out. Or does it?
There’s been a spate of animals taking the next step. They’re tired of being on the outside looking in. We’re just upright, hairless apes. We can’t even hold our own against an angry dog half the time if we’re bare-handed. Each year plenty of humans are killed or maimed by pets. Okay it may have been unfair to use Trevor the face-eating chimpanzee as an example. But you can find plenty of reports of people who have discovered that a dog was not their best friend.
These gentle woodland animals, long venerated in such movies as <insert Disney film here>, are catching on. “Why, if they can be defeated by an animal they willingly keep in their homes, surely I too can get some of this civilization action.” They’re not kidding. Lots of them are throwing off the shackles of living outside and eating from the ground and checking into the Hotel Fancypants.
Nowadays animals are tired of having to walk everywhere when humans can ride. We might try to tell them that having four legs is plenty enough appendages to go where they need to go without a lot of fuss but I don’t think they believe us. Witness these adorable (and probably delicious) little goats, trying to get on the bus without paying any fare. Aren’t they adorable? Lazy-asses.
Know what’s less cute than a goat on the bus but infinitely scarier? A bear. Eating your ice cream. Let’s have a look at some of the shenanigans bears have been up to in people’s homes:
“They went into my sister’s room and pooped on her bed. But they didn’t touch her Hannah Montana poster.”
—Danielle Hyde, 7 (Did you have a good laugh, Danielle?)
“I was in Indonesia when I got a call: A bear had gotten inside my house and set off the alarm. He battered down two doors; after that he was a perfect gentlemen. All he took was a tub of java chip Starbucks ice cream and a five-gallon tin of popcorn.”
—Tower Snow Jr., 59, homeowner (If you’d had Ben & Jerry’s he’d have come back)
What do the experts say? “People need to understand they’re not coming to kill us, they’re coming to eat our Hershey’s chocolate.” They’re tired of our shit. They have to live outside and hunt for food while the most hunting we do is trying to find what cabinet we hid the cookies in. They’re onto us and I don’t think they’re about to give up convenience foods now.
Bears and goats aren’t the only ones involved in the animal invasion cabal. Deer like snacks too, but even better than that they’re acutely aware of where to receive medical help. In case you’re looking for a deer date, you’ll find some deer like to look pretty and others are into tackle football. Some of the more sensitive deer may attempt to redecorate your bathroom.
Look at that last link. I mean look at the sheer amount of “related content” which has “deer” or deer-related terms in it. Remember when deer were shy and they ran away, flashing their white tails at you when you startled them? No more, man. No more. Now they’re all up in your grill, shopping at your stores and taking themselves to the vet.
If I were you I’d beware. I’d be real careful and cast a jaundiced eye at that 12-point barista if I were you, because honestly at this rate you’re just going to think you’re hallucinating when he starts talking to you. And while you’re standing there wondering about it he’s gonna drink your coffee.
After reading this: http://e360.yale.edu/content/feature.msp?id=2210 Apocalypse Fatigue: Losing the Public on Climate Change; even as the climate science becomes more definitive, polls show that public concern in the United States about global warming has been declining. What will it take to rally Americans behind the need to take strong action on cutting carbon emissions?
I decided to respond by saying this:
Fuck you.
I’m gonna keep burning gas and other carbon producing fuels, I see no reason to change. we can genetically engineer algae and bacteria to process it (co2/other greenhouse gasses) into fuel (bio-butanol, etc), besides the earth has created more co2 on its own than humans have in the entire span of their existence. It all comes down to control. They want you to do what they want. No freedom in sight. They want to tax you to death because you’re living. The tree-huggers are the biggest communists out there, trust me I know, I used to be one. My suggestion is this: burn gas, eat meat (fuck you PETA, I’ll eat what I goddamn well please. Can you bring it to me still bleeding? (I was a vegetarian for 2 years, I felt like ass the whole time.)), get laid as much as possible, die happy. Ahem, waitress? Another steak please. Whats that? Sure I’ll take it wrapped in bacon, just make sure the steak is pink in the middle.
edit 11/17/09 GMT -6: removed “in a single volcanic eruption” as it was pointed out to be factually inaccurate by someone QQ’ing