Archive for December, 2010
Hey kids! This is Billy. Billy is 16, the captain of his highschool football team, and the lead singer of his church choir. Say hi to the people, Billy! Oh, you can’t hear him out there, but he says hello.
Today, Billy is going to pick up his number one girl, Jezebel. Jezebel is also 16, the lead cheerleader for Billy’s team, and inferior, because she is a girl. Say hi to the people, Jezebel! You can’t hear it, but that’s okay, because we don’t care what women say.
Billy and Jezebel are going for a picnic in the park. Then they’re gonna watch a movie and go back to Billy’s place for bible study. But be careful, Billy! She’s pretty and does your homework for you, but she’s also a vessel of sin. And you know what sin leads to? Quiet, Jezebel, the men are talking. That’s right, Billy, even though you didn’t say anything. Sin leads to TEEN PREGNANCY.
Teen pregnancy is a problem sweeping the nation. You see, when a man and a woman love each other very much, they get married and, once a month, they do something boring and unpleasant until the woman gets pregnant. Then they sleep in seperate rooms and, nine months later, a baby is born!
But sometimes, a foul woman convinces a man to do this thing outside of marriage. As Satan inspired her to do this, she can use foul magic to cloud a man’s mind and make him agree. (Sometimes she’ll try to put an evil ward on the man which she purchased at the drugstore, but this is so evil that most men can resist.) When this happens, the woman gets pregnant with sin. We call this TEEN PREGNANCY.
Women who get teen pregnant are outcasts, wandering the earth in search of good Christians to feed on. They are shunned by their loved ones and spat on in the street, assuming it isn’t a Sunday, when it isn’t right to spit. Their unholy lust can only be sated by cruel acts of debauchery and sin, or removed by marrying a man and being purified by God’s love. God’s love can also be obtained for a nominal fee at any participating church, but it should be noted that most women spend all their money on shoes and weird bottles that turn up in the bathroom, so this is usually not an option.
Uh oh, it looks like Jezebel is trying to fill Billy’s head with lies. Don’t listen to her, Billy, she’s trying to- my word, young lady, such language! You see what Satan’s influence does, Billy? Run! Run away from the harlot! Hah, I’m just the narrator, what’re you going to do, throw that at the fourth wall? Wait a second, that camera’s expensive, don’t do it you little-
We here at Bob’s Educational Corner would like to sincerely apologize for this. Good night everyone!
I want to put you on a pedestal,
so that I may sing to you high praises,
but I do not have the voice.
I want to tell you the greatness you bring,
so that I may know the joy you bring me,
but I do no have the words.
I want to pull you near and hold you tight,
so that you may share the peace I have found,
but I do not have you.
It was a warm spring day in 1935 when a meteorite crashed into the square of a small Norwegian farming village. Eyewitnesses described the event as “dramatic” and “delicious”. A local newspaper ran the following headline: “Errant Goose Strikes Jgsrdnklstgn, Transforms Into Fireball”. Three days later, everyone in a 50 mile radius with a vowel in their name was dead.
While one would assume the loss of 34% of the area’s population would cause a panic, or at least a musical montage, the townsfolk remained resolute. Residents soon discovered that the errant space rock produced a mysterious substance. When rubbed on the skin, it produced a pleasant numbness, and when ingested, it produced a pleasant hallucination, most often involving Matt Lauer, who was at that time Prime Minister of Florida.
Within a year, Jgsrdnklstgn began exporting an ointment made of the space cream, which they called “Icy Hot”, after a Scandinavian word for “Prime Minister of Florida.” Ever since, Icy Hot has been a mainstay of medicine cabinets world wide. But what is it really? Where did the meteorite come from? And why does it whisper in our ears at night, telling us to kill?
We began our search for answers in Anaheim, California, home of the world’s second largest bowl of pudding. There, we located Herbert Gaurklestinkglktarg, who served as Icy Hot’s head of R&D from 1977 to 1998, when he was forced to retire and join the witness protection program. He agreed to answer our questions, under the condition that his identity remain anonymous.
Bob’s Educational Corner: Thank you for meeting with us.
Herbert Gaurldestinkglktarg, now William Streiss of 753 E. Terrace Lane: Let’s make this quick. It’s time someone knew the truth.
BEB: The truth?
HGnWSo753E.TL: Yes. Icy Hot isn’t from space at all. You see, it’s actually made out of people.
BEB: What, really?
HGnWSo753E.TL: Yes. I remember the day I found out. A lone man was running down the street, screaming at the top of his lungs, revealing the awful secret.
BEB: Are you sure that’s Icy Hot? It kind of sounds like Soylent Green.
HGnWSo753E.TL: This interview is over!
Armed with this new information, we obtained a tube of Icy Hot from a shady fellow in a dark alley, and analysed its chemical structure in the lab. While the bulk of the cream is common heroin, like that available at any grocery store, over 9% was a compound unknown to modern science.
We quickly took our findings to a local witch doctor. After consulting with the spirits, as well as reading tea leaves and conducting a credit check, he informed us that the mystery substance was indeed not of this world. In fact, he added, it was so foreign to our planet that it did not even exist. Visibly shaken, he grabbed a nearby bottle of absinthe and locked his office door, refusing to answer any questions until our investigators got bored and left.
The secret of Icy Hot remains elusive. Repeated calls to Icy Hot’s CEO, his wife, and his children have gone unanswered. All written requests for information have been met with automated responses thanking us for our interest in the product and offering fabulous coupons worth over 20 dollars in savings. Rest assured, however; despite these setbacks, we here at Bob’s Educational Corner are dedicated to finding the truth. Thank you for joining us tonight, and remember to tip your wait staff.