You thought you were safe, didn’t you? With your lidded trash can and your double-pane windows and that big front door of yours. Indoors stays in, outdoors stays out. Or does it?
There’s been a spate of animals taking the next step. They’re tired of being on the outside looking in. We’re just upright, hairless apes. We can’t even hold our own against an angry dog half the time if we’re bare-handed. Each year plenty of humans are killed or maimed by pets. Okay it may have been unfair to use Trevor the face-eating chimpanzee as an example. But you can find plenty of reports of people who have discovered that a dog was not their best friend.
These gentle woodland animals, long venerated in such movies as <insert Disney film here>, are catching on. “Why, if they can be defeated by an animal they willingly keep in their homes, surely I too can get some of this civilization action.” They’re not kidding. Lots of them are throwing off the shackles of living outside and eating from the ground and checking into the Hotel Fancypants.
Nowadays animals are tired of having to walk everywhere when humans can ride. We might try to tell them that having four legs is plenty enough appendages to go where they need to go without a lot of fuss but I don’t think they believe us. Witness these adorable (and probably delicious) little goats, trying to get on the bus without paying any fare. Aren’t they adorable? Lazy-asses.
Know what’s less cute than a goat on the bus but infinitely scarier? A bear. Eating your ice cream. Let’s have a look at some of the shenanigans bears have been up to in people’s homes:
“They went into my sister’s room and pooped on her bed. But they didn’t touch her Hannah Montana poster.”
—Danielle Hyde, 7 (Did you have a good laugh, Danielle?)
“I was in Indonesia when I got a call: A bear had gotten inside my house and set off the alarm. He battered down two doors; after that he was a perfect gentlemen. All he took was a tub of java chip Starbucks ice cream and a five-gallon tin of popcorn.”
—Tower Snow Jr., 59, homeowner (If you’d had Ben & Jerry’s he’d have come back)
What do the experts say? “People need to understand they’re not coming to kill us, they’re coming to eat our Hershey’s chocolate.” They’re tired of our shit. They have to live outside and hunt for food while the most hunting we do is trying to find what cabinet we hid the cookies in. They’re onto us and I don’t think they’re about to give up convenience foods now.
Bears and goats aren’t the only ones involved in the animal invasion cabal. Deer like snacks too, but even better than that they’re acutely aware of where to receive medical help. In case you’re looking for a deer date, you’ll find some deer like to look pretty and others are into tackle football. Some of the more sensitive deer may attempt to redecorate your bathroom.
Look at that last link. I mean look at the sheer amount of “related content” which has “deer” or deer-related terms in it. Remember when deer were shy and they ran away, flashing their white tails at you when you startled them? No more, man. No more. Now they’re all up in your grill, shopping at your stores and taking themselves to the vet.
If I were you I’d beware. I’d be real careful and cast a jaundiced eye at that 12-point barista if I were you, because honestly at this rate you’re just going to think you’re hallucinating when he starts talking to you. And while you’re standing there wondering about it he’s gonna drink your coffee.