Preconceptions and Misconceptions

By | December 10, 2009
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Recently, I’ve begun to wonder how much of what we take for granted isn’t rooted in fact.  If we look back even 100 years, what seemed like solid science then (Black people have smaller brains, anyone?) is now obviously, and hilariously wrong. It took them until the early 1900s to figure out that if you stick a vibrator in a chick’s vagoo she feels better. What got me thinking on this, is that until recently I thought Death Cab for Cutie was absolute shite. And then I actually heard one of their songs. And now I love their music. It makes me think about what other great music I’m missing out on. And then I got to thinking, what if it isn’t just music?

About a week ago I heard a negative review of Gnome Shell (Gnome Shell is the window manager planned to be released with GNOME 3). I watched a video and thought it looked pretty cool. So i installed ubuntu 9.10, installed gnome shell, and fired it up. And i swear to god it is the coolest thing ever. When it is finished, I honestly can’t say I’ll use anything else. And previously, I’d sworn off all things Linux forever. With good reason, too. Gnome 2 is absolutely awful when compared to osx leopard and windows 7.

Take from it what you will.

I almost make it.

By | December 5, 2009
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If you are like me, you too are almost good enough. You have a dream. You have goals. And right now, you are not making real progress. You are surviving.

If you are like me, they told you that you could be anything you set your mind towards… and then never lifted a finger to help you find your calling; only two shoulders and raised palms from shrugging off the question nobody can answer for you.

If you are like me, you have squandered opportunities some would kill for. Not necessarily through carelessness, although that played a part. But because you didn’t know any right way to succeed… or where to turn for answers.

If you are like me, you’ve found an entry-level position with a soul-crushing company. Perhaps it’s not even your first. But you aren’t worried about finding anything better… not really. Not anymore.

If you are like me… you have lost that spark of hope. That belief that life can be better. It’s not because the news is horrible, though that is a piece of it. It isn’t even that you don’t make a difference in the world… because you do, in small ways, in personal ways… although it’s not enough.

I lost that spark of hope in four pieces. I failed college. I lost a job. I couldn’t learn to write a novel in two years time. I was passed over for promotion at a temp job so someone less competent, but younger, could turn to me for questions about the job I should have.

You may have lost it in other ways. But you are like me in more ways than you would like.

Someday… we will do something about it.

For today, we survive.

Perception

By | December 5, 2009
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In your mind you feel cold,
in your eyes you see frost.

In your mind you feel hot,
in your eyes you see waving air.

In your mind you feel the evil in the world,
in your eyes you see the blade penetrate your heart.

In your mind you feel love,
in your eyes you see love enveloping the world.

Which do you want?
Which do you choose?
Which do you see?

Bob’s Educational Corner: Thanksgiving

By | November 27, 2009
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In honor of Thanksgiving, tonight’s edition of “Bob’s Educational Corner” will be a musical history of the holiday. Unfortunately, Bono had to cancel at the last minute, but we were able to hire a local musical group called “Zombies for Tofu”, who I’m told will sing an original composition they call “Happy Thanksgiving!”. Let’s see if they’re ready.

*Lights dim, spotlight illuminates stage. A greasy mass of hair, tattoos, and piercings takes the mic.* “Hi, we’re ‘Zombies for Tofu.’ Tonight, we’re gonna sing you a song from our new album, ‘Eating Babies For Breakfast’, available now from the trunk of Steve’s mom’s station wagon. Here’s ‘Happy Thanksgiving!'”
Thanksgiving is a time

When the Pilgrims and the Indian people

Got together to kill turkeys

And serve small animals with pie

Satan likes pie

Nobody said that

But everyone there knew it

And then the Indians got smallpox

Given to them by Satan

And also blankets full of smallpox

but mostly Satan

Happy Thanksgiving!

Cause Satan loves pie

Does a lot of shit for pie

He’d kill you for a pie

And then he’d eat your soul

Cause it tastes just like a pie

Though without the creamy toppings

And more soul aftertaste

And I see you baked a pie

Happy Thanksgiving!

Full of pumpkin I presume

Cause you do that for Thanksgiving

So I’m giving thanks to Satan

And now he ate your pie!

That you worked so hard to make!

And he killed off all your house plants!

Cause he’s Satan and he does that!

Happy Thanksgiving!

Happy Thanksgiving!

Happy Thanksgiving!

FROM SATAN!

Bob’s Educational Corner would like to remind everyone that the views expressed by our guests do not necessarily represent the views of this show or this website. Goodnight!

An Atomic Existence

By | November 26, 2009
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Have you ever wondered the things your eyes have seen, when they weren’t your eyes? The atoms that build them flowing through the universe since the beginning of time, or if time is non-linear – infinitely. The star they were born in is long dead by now, and they’ve been everywhere throughout the universe, your eyes have seen everything. Yet they can not show you what they have seen, for they can not perceive their surroundings. Unlike yourself. You’ve been lucky enough to have been born as an organism. A piece of the universe, like the stars and the planets, but with absolutely no explanation of your existence. If the atoms you were built from could show you what they have seen, could you perceive it? Would your capacity to understand and to interpret their reality be advanced enough to process the infinite stream of information tied to the atoms? Are we as a part of the universe old enough to even begin to understand the reason for anything? An infinite amount of human races in an infinite amount of universes, all having pondered the purpose for our existence, yet no conclusive cause exists. Do we even want to know? And would knowing make us better for it?

Just something thats been buzzing in my head for a few days. I think I’m going mad, but that might be fun. Who knows?

EOF

A few haiku I wrote

By | November 24, 2009
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I wander into
A room full of people who
Know him but not me

It takes a village
The old proverb tells us
But that’s subjective

I go out walking
And stop and smell the roses
What else do you want?

It smells like urine
In the park you don”t go to
The homeless folks park

To exist or not?
Raised by hamlet, who really
Has the right answer

Where are your weapons?
The general asks us poor
We can’t afford them

To look into the
Depths of another mans soul
Is not for the weak

Tread lightly around
Lions and Tigers and Bears
During the winter

Bob’s Educational Corner: Science

By | November 20, 2009
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On tonight’s episode of Bob’s Educational Corner, we are proud to present “Science”.

Science. It’s all around us. If you turn on a TV, or eat an ice cream cone, or bludgeon a homeless man to death with an oscilloscope, you are enjoying the benefits of science. It enriches our lives and plagues our dreams, and is one of the most important parts of a balanced breakfast. But science can’t happen by itself, unless it’s also a wizard, but that is stupid and so are you for thinking it. Science requires The Scientific Method, so let us first examine The Scientific Method.

The Scientific Method was invented in 1776 by Al Gore (Al Gore is best known for his invention of The Scientific Method, and for being mentioned in this article). He discovered that, if you heat a test tube in a Bunsen burner while wearing a white lab coat, the very fabric of the universe itself will bend to your whim. With The Scientific Method, he was able to create America, simply by willing it into existence. Then he banged a hot Asian lab assistant and took a nap. This laid the foundation of all modern science.

Try an experiment. Close your eyes and fall off a cliff. Did you notice that you hit the ground? If not, you should seek medical attention. But if you did, you just experienced science! And should seek medical attention. But why did you fall? You fell because your body was attracted to science particles in the ground. These particles are named Fred and Suzanne, so pick the one that makes you feel better about yourself. Every object, no matter how large or small, is filled with science. Sometimes this takes the form of particles, like in the ground. But science is not limited to particles!

Science comes in many forms. This sentence, which is being beamed directly into your eyeballs through your computer, is filled with delicious sciencey jelly. Your clothes, if you’re wearing any, you perv, are composed of long strands of science, woven together by skilled scienticians, who love working with science to make your day better. They love it so much, in fact, that they often work all day for free, not even stopping to eat or sleep. Their dedication is inspiring, and is itself composed of sticky nodules of science.

Every year, Scienticians, which are people who study science and are very good in bed*, discover new types of science. They use sophisticated instruments, such as the monocle, to probe every aspect of existence in their search for science. No location is too remote to investigate in their quest. Recently, for example, science was discovered in the deepest jungles of South America. Braving harsh weather and enraged hippies, Scienticians bulldozed these jungles and salted the earth, causing the science to rise to the top. Through careful study, it was determined that this science caused laboratory animal’s skin to turn golden brown, then explode. Tanning lotion containing this science is already available in most major stores.

We have only scratched the surface of science, but I hope your sense of wonder has been kindled. If you would like to learn more about science, you can write your local congressman and ask for an informational packet. You can also use LSD, which is so full of science that you’ll think your head is going to explode because there are, like, so many monkeys in your brain. And to answer your question, yes- the monkeys are also made of science. Good night, and good learning!

*This statement paid for by the American Society of Scienticians.

Woodland Creatures Out for Revenge

By | November 19, 2009
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You thought you were safe, didn’t you?  With your lidded trash can and your double-pane windows and that big front door of yours.  Indoors stays in, outdoors stays out.  Or does it?

There’s been a spate of animals taking the next step.  They’re tired of being on the outside looking in.  We’re just upright, hairless apes.  We can’t even hold our own against an angry dog half the time if we’re bare-handed.  Each year plenty of humans are killed or maimed by pets.  Okay it may have been unfair to use Trevor the face-eating chimpanzee as an example.  But you can find plenty of reports of people who have discovered that a dog was not their best friend.

These gentle woodland animals, long venerated in such movies as <insert Disney film here>, are catching on.  “Why, if they can be defeated by an animal they willingly keep in their homes, surely I too can get some of this civilization action.”  They’re not kidding.  Lots of them are throwing off the shackles of living outside and eating from the ground and checking into the Hotel Fancypants.

Nowadays animals are tired of having to walk everywhere when humans can ride.  We might try to tell them that having four legs is plenty enough appendages to go where they need to go without a lot of fuss but I don’t think they believe us.  Witness these adorable (and probably delicious) little goats, trying to get on the bus without paying any fare.  Aren’t they adorable?  Lazy-asses.

Know what’s less cute than a goat on the bus but infinitely scarier?  A bear.  Eating your ice cream.  Let’s have a look at some of the shenanigans bears have been up to in people’s homes:

“They went into my sister’s room and pooped on her bed. But they didn’t touch her Hannah Montana poster.”
—Danielle Hyde, 7 (Did you have a good laugh, Danielle?)

“I was in Indonesia when I got a call: A bear had gotten inside my house and set off the alarm. He battered down two doors; after that he was a perfect gentlemen. All he took was a tub of java chip Starbucks ice cream and a five-gallon tin of popcorn.”
—Tower Snow Jr., 59, homeowner (If you’d had Ben & Jerry’s he’d have come back)

What do the experts say?  “People need to understand they’re not coming to kill us, they’re coming to eat our Hershey’s chocolate.”  They’re tired of our shit.  They have to live outside and hunt for food while the most hunting we do is trying to find what cabinet we hid the cookies in.  They’re onto us and I don’t think they’re about to give up convenience foods now.

Bears and goats aren’t the only ones involved in the animal invasion cabal.  Deer like snacks too, but even better than that they’re acutely aware of where to receive medical help.  In case you’re looking for a deer date, you’ll find some deer like to look pretty and others are into tackle football.  Some of the more sensitive deer may attempt to redecorate your bathroom.

Look at that last link.  I mean look at the sheer amount of “related content” which has “deer” or deer-related terms in it.  Remember when deer were shy and they ran away, flashing their white tails at you when you startled them?  No more, man.  No more.  Now they’re all up in your grill, shopping at your stores and taking themselves to the vet.

If I were you I’d beware.  I’d be real careful and cast a jaundiced eye at that 12-point barista if I were you, because honestly at this rate you’re just going to think you’re hallucinating when he starts talking to you.  And while you’re standing there wondering about it he’s gonna drink your coffee.

I feel like breaking a pattern today (In other news, CAKE!)

By | November 19, 2009
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Notice the lack of alliteration?
Today, I got a cake. The details are non-critical, but I got a cake, and I shared it with people because I can’t eat an entire fucking cake by myself. It was good cake. Chocolate with this semi-mintish frosting, and m&ms on top. I lacked eating utensils, so most of us ate with our hands. Quite honestly, it’s the best way to eat cake. Fuck this slices shit.

Also: ReactOS and Haiku

Two open source operating systems I’ve been following for a while now. Haiku is quite a bit further along, but their goal is far less ambitious. Just thought i would give a heads-up to anyone looking for an OS in a few years.

FUCK TREEHUGGERS.

By | November 17, 2009
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After reading this: http://e360.yale.edu/content/feature.msp?id=2210 Apocalypse Fatigue: Losing the Public on Climate Change; even as the climate science becomes more definitive, polls show that public concern in the United States about global warming has been declining. What will it take to rally Americans behind the need to take strong action on cutting carbon emissions?

I decided to respond by saying this:
Fuck you.
I’m gonna keep burning gas and other carbon producing fuels, I see no reason to change. we can genetically engineer algae and bacteria to process it (co2/other greenhouse gasses) into fuel (bio-butanol, etc),  besides the earth has created more co2 on its own than humans have in the entire span of their existence. It all comes down to control. They want you to do what they want. No freedom in sight. They want to tax you to death because you’re living. The tree-huggers are the biggest communists out there, trust me I know, I used to be one. My suggestion is this: burn gas, eat meat (fuck you PETA, I’ll eat what I goddamn well please. Can you bring it to me still bleeding? (I was a vegetarian for 2 years, I felt like ass the whole time.)), get laid as much as possible, die happy.  Ahem, waitress? Another steak please. Whats that?  Sure I’ll take it wrapped in bacon, just make sure the steak is pink in the middle.

edit 11/17/09 GMT -6: removed “in a single volcanic eruption” as it was pointed out to be factually inaccurate by someone QQ’ing