Bob’s Educational Corner: Thanksgiving

In honor of Thanksgiving, tonight’s edition of “Bob’s Educational Corner” will be a musical history of the holiday. Unfortunately, Bono had to cancel at the last minute, but we were able to hire a local musical group called “Zombies for Tofu”, who I’m told will sing an original composition they call “Happy Thanksgiving!”. Let’s see if they’re ready.

*Lights dim, spotlight illuminates stage. A greasy mass of hair, tattoos, and piercings takes the mic.* “Hi, we’re ‘Zombies for Tofu.’ Tonight, we’re gonna sing you a song from our new album, ‘Eating Babies For Breakfast’, available now from the trunk of Steve’s mom’s station wagon. Here’s ‘Happy Thanksgiving!'”
Thanksgiving is a time

When the Pilgrims and the Indian people

Got together to kill turkeys

And serve small animals with pie

Satan likes pie

Nobody said that

But everyone there knew it

And then the Indians got smallpox

Given to them by Satan

And also blankets full of smallpox

but mostly Satan

Happy Thanksgiving!

Cause Satan loves pie

Does a lot of shit for pie

He’d kill you for a pie

And then he’d eat your soul

Cause it tastes just like a pie

Though without the creamy toppings

And more soul aftertaste

And I see you baked a pie

Happy Thanksgiving!

Full of pumpkin I presume

Cause you do that for Thanksgiving

So I’m giving thanks to Satan

And now he ate your pie!

That you worked so hard to make!

And he killed off all your house plants!

Cause he’s Satan and he does that!

Happy Thanksgiving!

Happy Thanksgiving!

Happy Thanksgiving!

FROM SATAN!

Bob’s Educational Corner would like to remind everyone that the views expressed by our guests do not necessarily represent the views of this show or this website. Goodnight!

An Atomic Existence

Have you ever wondered the things your eyes have seen, when they weren’t your eyes? The atoms that build them flowing through the universe since the beginning of time, or if time is non-linear – infinitely. The star they were born in is long dead by now, and they’ve been everywhere throughout the universe, your eyes have seen everything. Yet they can not show you what they have seen, for they can not perceive their surroundings. Unlike yourself. You’ve been lucky enough to have been born as an organism. A piece of the universe, like the stars and the planets, but with absolutely no explanation of your existence. If the atoms you were built from could show you what they have seen, could you perceive it? Would your capacity to understand and to interpret their reality be advanced enough to process the infinite stream of information tied to the atoms? Are we as a part of the universe old enough to even begin to understand the reason for anything? An infinite amount of human races in an infinite amount of universes, all having pondered the purpose for our existence, yet no conclusive cause exists. Do we even want to know? And would knowing make us better for it?

Just something thats been buzzing in my head for a few days. I think I’m going mad, but that might be fun. Who knows?

EOF

A few haiku I wrote

I wander into
A room full of people who
Know him but not me

It takes a village
The old proverb tells us
But that’s subjective

I go out walking
And stop and smell the roses
What else do you want?

It smells like urine
In the park you don”t go to
The homeless folks park

To exist or not?
Raised by hamlet, who really
Has the right answer

Where are your weapons?
The general asks us poor
We can’t afford them

To look into the
Depths of another mans soul
Is not for the weak

Tread lightly around
Lions and Tigers and Bears
During the winter

Bob’s Educational Corner: Science

On tonight’s episode of Bob’s Educational Corner, we are proud to present “Science”.

Science. It’s all around us. If you turn on a TV, or eat an ice cream cone, or bludgeon a homeless man to death with an oscilloscope, you are enjoying the benefits of science. It enriches our lives and plagues our dreams, and is one of the most important parts of a balanced breakfast. But science can’t happen by itself, unless it’s also a wizard, but that is stupid and so are you for thinking it. Science requires The Scientific Method, so let us first examine The Scientific Method.

The Scientific Method was invented in 1776 by Al Gore (Al Gore is best known for his invention of The Scientific Method, and for being mentioned in this article). He discovered that, if you heat a test tube in a Bunsen burner while wearing a white lab coat, the very fabric of the universe itself will bend to your whim. With The Scientific Method, he was able to create America, simply by willing it into existence. Then he banged a hot Asian lab assistant and took a nap. This laid the foundation of all modern science.

Try an experiment. Close your eyes and fall off a cliff. Did you notice that you hit the ground? If not, you should seek medical attention. But if you did, you just experienced science! And should seek medical attention. But why did you fall? You fell because your body was attracted to science particles in the ground. These particles are named Fred and Suzanne, so pick the one that makes you feel better about yourself. Every object, no matter how large or small, is filled with science. Sometimes this takes the form of particles, like in the ground. But science is not limited to particles!

Science comes in many forms. This sentence, which is being beamed directly into your eyeballs through your computer, is filled with delicious sciencey jelly. Your clothes, if you’re wearing any, you perv, are composed of long strands of science, woven together by skilled scienticians, who love working with science to make your day better. They love it so much, in fact, that they often work all day for free, not even stopping to eat or sleep. Their dedication is inspiring, and is itself composed of sticky nodules of science.

Every year, Scienticians, which are people who study science and are very good in bed*, discover new types of science. They use sophisticated instruments, such as the monocle, to probe every aspect of existence in their search for science. No location is too remote to investigate in their quest. Recently, for example, science was discovered in the deepest jungles of South America. Braving harsh weather and enraged hippies, Scienticians bulldozed these jungles and salted the earth, causing the science to rise to the top. Through careful study, it was determined that this science caused laboratory animal’s skin to turn golden brown, then explode. Tanning lotion containing this science is already available in most major stores.

We have only scratched the surface of science, but I hope your sense of wonder has been kindled. If you would like to learn more about science, you can write your local congressman and ask for an informational packet. You can also use LSD, which is so full of science that you’ll think your head is going to explode because there are, like, so many monkeys in your brain. And to answer your question, yes- the monkeys are also made of science. Good night, and good learning!

*This statement paid for by the American Society of Scienticians.

Woodland Creatures Out for Revenge

You thought you were safe, didn’t you?  With your lidded trash can and your double-pane windows and that big front door of yours.  Indoors stays in, outdoors stays out.  Or does it?

There’s been a spate of animals taking the next step.  They’re tired of being on the outside looking in.  We’re just upright, hairless apes.  We can’t even hold our own against an angry dog half the time if we’re bare-handed.  Each year plenty of humans are killed or maimed by pets.  Okay it may have been unfair to use Trevor the face-eating chimpanzee as an example.  But you can find plenty of reports of people who have discovered that a dog was not their best friend.

These gentle woodland animals, long venerated in such movies as <insert Disney film here>, are catching on.  “Why, if they can be defeated by an animal they willingly keep in their homes, surely I too can get some of this civilization action.”  They’re not kidding.  Lots of them are throwing off the shackles of living outside and eating from the ground and checking into the Hotel Fancypants.

Nowadays animals are tired of having to walk everywhere when humans can ride.  We might try to tell them that having four legs is plenty enough appendages to go where they need to go without a lot of fuss but I don’t think they believe us.  Witness these adorable (and probably delicious) little goats, trying to get on the bus without paying any fare.  Aren’t they adorable?  Lazy-asses.

Know what’s less cute than a goat on the bus but infinitely scarier?  A bear.  Eating your ice cream.  Let’s have a look at some of the shenanigans bears have been up to in people’s homes:

“They went into my sister’s room and pooped on her bed. But they didn’t touch her Hannah Montana poster.”
—Danielle Hyde, 7 (Did you have a good laugh, Danielle?)

“I was in Indonesia when I got a call: A bear had gotten inside my house and set off the alarm. He battered down two doors; after that he was a perfect gentlemen. All he took was a tub of java chip Starbucks ice cream and a five-gallon tin of popcorn.”
—Tower Snow Jr., 59, homeowner (If you’d had Ben & Jerry’s he’d have come back)

What do the experts say?  “People need to understand they’re not coming to kill us, they’re coming to eat our Hershey’s chocolate.”  They’re tired of our shit.  They have to live outside and hunt for food while the most hunting we do is trying to find what cabinet we hid the cookies in.  They’re onto us and I don’t think they’re about to give up convenience foods now.

Bears and goats aren’t the only ones involved in the animal invasion cabal.  Deer like snacks too, but even better than that they’re acutely aware of where to receive medical help.  In case you’re looking for a deer date, you’ll find some deer like to look pretty and others are into tackle football.  Some of the more sensitive deer may attempt to redecorate your bathroom.

Look at that last link.  I mean look at the sheer amount of “related content” which has “deer” or deer-related terms in it.  Remember when deer were shy and they ran away, flashing their white tails at you when you startled them?  No more, man.  No more.  Now they’re all up in your grill, shopping at your stores and taking themselves to the vet.

If I were you I’d beware.  I’d be real careful and cast a jaundiced eye at that 12-point barista if I were you, because honestly at this rate you’re just going to think you’re hallucinating when he starts talking to you.  And while you’re standing there wondering about it he’s gonna drink your coffee.

I feel like breaking a pattern today (In other news, CAKE!)

Notice the lack of alliteration?
Today, I got a cake. The details are non-critical, but I got a cake, and I shared it with people because I can’t eat an entire fucking cake by myself. It was good cake. Chocolate with this semi-mintish frosting, and m&ms on top. I lacked eating utensils, so most of us ate with our hands. Quite honestly, it’s the best way to eat cake. Fuck this slices shit.

Also: ReactOS and Haiku

Two open source operating systems I’ve been following for a while now. Haiku is quite a bit further along, but their goal is far less ambitious. Just thought i would give a heads-up to anyone looking for an OS in a few years.

FUCK TREEHUGGERS.

After reading this: http://e360.yale.edu/content/feature.msp?id=2210 Apocalypse Fatigue: Losing the Public on Climate Change; even as the climate science becomes more definitive, polls show that public concern in the United States about global warming has been declining. What will it take to rally Americans behind the need to take strong action on cutting carbon emissions?

I decided to respond by saying this:
Fuck you.
I’m gonna keep burning gas and other carbon producing fuels, I see no reason to change. we can genetically engineer algae and bacteria to process it (co2/other greenhouse gasses) into fuel (bio-butanol, etc),  besides the earth has created more co2 on its own than humans have in the entire span of their existence. It all comes down to control. They want you to do what they want. No freedom in sight. They want to tax you to death because you’re living. The tree-huggers are the biggest communists out there, trust me I know, I used to be one. My suggestion is this: burn gas, eat meat (fuck you PETA, I’ll eat what I goddamn well please. Can you bring it to me still bleeding? (I was a vegetarian for 2 years, I felt like ass the whole time.)), get laid as much as possible, die happy.  Ahem, waitress? Another steak please. Whats that?  Sure I’ll take it wrapped in bacon, just make sure the steak is pink in the middle.

edit 11/17/09 GMT -6: removed “in a single volcanic eruption” as it was pointed out to be factually inaccurate by someone QQ’ing

On Drowning…

Do those who have tasted death no longer fear it?

When I was very young, I drowned while in a pool with no lifeguard on duty. There was only one other person in the pool, and my grandma was on the side watching.

I don’t remember feeling any fear or anxiety about dying during or afterward. As it happened, the other swimmer happened to be a lifeguard.

Strange how things work out…

Life went on as usual, but somehow was more vivid. I became more observant. I remember watching trees and bushes move with the wind, not trying to understand, but to see it for what it was.

I feel like somehow this is part of why I don’t have the drive for material goods like most people do. I don’t see the point in collecting anything that will be gone when I am. Or at the very best, useless to have collected. I merely seek to be enjoyable. My grand ambition is to enjoy life.

I think I do alright.

Of Broken Bones And Gods

People seem to be entertained when I tell stories of norse myth, so why not add one of these stories here?

In this story Thor and Loki are returning from Udgard after a troll hunt.

Alright, ok, I might need getting you up to speed on a few things. First of all, the gods. There are many gods and godlike creatures and beings and spirits. Thor is one of the big ones, and while you probably have heard of Thor before, you got it all wrong. Thor is NOT a blonde bimbo hunk like the Marvel Thor. The REAL Thor is a force of nature, a man of huge girth and strength, with a temper to match his red hair and beard. Think “fat drunken Irishman” and you’re not far off, only he’s not drunk, he’s just not the brightest god there is. Thor is the thing you put between you and the enemy, and tell him to make them dead. His main weapon is the hammer Mjølner, a magical hammer that he can throw at people and it will return to his hand at his command.

And his buddy on this trip is Loki. Loki is… hard to put in a box. He’s a god, but also a free spirit. He’s been called the “God of Lies” but that’s only part of the story, as he is the gods’ main diplomat and an intellect to be admired. Problem is he gets bored. He then get into problems. And the problems usually grow to such an extent that he has to use all his intellect and diplomacy to get out of the problems. And, uh, lie and cheat. You might call him the prototype politician.

So, they’re returning from Udgard, which is where the trolls live. Udgard is one of the three major portions of the world, the other being Midgard, where the mortal humans live, and Asgard, where the Asir, a flavour of gods, lives. Udgard is a nasty place, full of foul creatures. Here be dragons. Oh, did I mention that Loki came from there originaly? As for trolls, all you need to know is that they are not nice and need to be hunted from time to time.

So there we have it. Thor and Loki returning from the troll hunt, a bro-thing. They’re riding along in Thor’s sweet ride, the goat cart, powered by the biggest meanest goats ever. I’m trying hard here to make them sound awesome. Oh, yeah, they can fly! Also their hooves make the thunderous sound, AKA “thunder”. Did I mention that Thor is the god of thunder and lightning? This is partly why. Yeah, because of… goats. Anyway…

In order to get from Udgard to Asgard, where they live, they have to pass over Midgard. They’re running a bit late, so they decide to stay in Midgard for the night, so Thor swings the cart down from the skies and into the farmyard of a small farm.

The farm is run by a man and his wife, and their son and daughter, Tjalfe and Røskva. Yes, those are names. Anyway, here comes the God of Thunder and the God of Skillful Avoiding of a Beatdown and they demand to be fed for the night. The farmer complains that they are poor people, and if they had only gotten an advance notice they could have started soaking the dried meat and maybe brought out the spare bed, but Thor laughs at the silly humans and promptly slays one of his goats with a stroke of his hammer and goes, there, cook that. It’s good goat. Only don’t break any bones, for reasons that will be apparent later. So the farmer sets his kids and wife at work with preparing the dead goats.

So, they have a nice evening with Thor eating, drinking and telling stories of how many trolls he slew and so forth. Meanwhile Loki, having heard the same old bullshit stories over and over again, grows bored. He notices that the kid, Tjalfe, is eyeing the bones, and scoots over to him and ask him what the deal is? The kid really likes marrow, it seems, but Thor told him not to break the bones. What are you, chicken?, asks Loki, and Tjalfe, while being a good kid, is a teenage boy, which is another way of saying he is not thinking with his head half of the time, so he’s all Me? Chicken? Never! Loki proceeds to make clucking sounds and even dares him, yes, even double dares him to break the bones. It’s just a goddamn bone, Thor will never notice. Or perhaps mortals just lack the guts. Prove me wrong, kid, prove me wrong. So the kid does so, eats the marrow, and tosses the broken bone in the pile with the others.

So, yeah, the next morning, Thor gets up and goes to the bone pile and swings his hammer over them, and PRESTO, a live goat appears. See, the goats are getting more and more awesome, yeah? Anyway, the goat walks around with a limp, obviously a broken bone, so Thor goes into a rage and pulls the poor farmer out of his bed, shakes him like a maracas and threatens to punch his fucking face in, you shithead! Tjalfe wakes up and goes oh CRAP when he remembers the broken bone from last night, but goes to face the music, or in this case face the red-faced gorilla shaking his father, and soon Thor is shaking the kid instead, while he tries to explain that Lllloki mmmade mme doooo ittttt. Loki steps in and tells Thor to settle down, maybe we can find a solution, let’s not get violent towards the mortals we are usually protecting, chill bro, chill, while the farmer agrees that we would also like that he and his family remained living.

Loki puts forth that the kid, as a penance, could work for Thor as a manservant. Thor is still mad and starts complaining that this is little comfort since they now have to WALK the whole norndamned way home which is literally at the end of the world and back, so the Farmer, still shook up and scared offers his daughter as well. The red mist finally subsides and Thor see the benefits and agrees.

So, well, that’s the story really. Loki was a dick as usual, but it worked out in the end, for the gods at least. The goat eventually got better too, so don’t feel sad about it.

There may be a moral to this story somewhere. Maybe something about not going along on a dare, I dunno. Anyway, it’s a story with magic goats, so there is that.

Bob’s Educational Corner: An Evening With the Pope

Welcome, friends, to the second edition of Bob’s Educational Corner. Tonight, we have a very special guest:  St. Eleutherius, the thirteenth Pope. Thank you for joining us, your Holiness.

St. Eleutherius: A pleasure, my child.

Bob’s Educational Corner: Now, to start, I want to let everyone know a little about tonight’s format. Education is a serious subject, but we here at Bob’s Educational Corner believe it’s important to make it fun and engaging, as well as informative and relevant. To that end, we invite our guests to help us decide what would best suit the interview. And for tonight, St. Eleutherius has requested a boxing match.

St.E: I felt an MMA match would be too uncivilized for tonight’s discourse.

BEC: I can certainly understand that, Eminence. *Putting on gloves.* Now, I’ve read that you were instrumental in early Christianity’s stand against the Montanist movement. Would you say that’s accurate?

St.E: *Jabbing the air, bouncing from foot to foot.* To a point, yes. I do not want to imply I pushed against them from the start, but when it seemed actions need be taken, I ensured that they were.

BEC: I see. *Right hook.* So did you feel this philosophy had to be stopped?

St.E: *Sidestep, right jab* The philosophy was heretical, true, but my major concern was the welfare of the faithful. I acted only when their souls were in danger.

BEC: *Shoulder block.* So you’ve written in your memoir, “I Was a Teenage Radio to God”. But what about the claims that you are secretly a vampire, and wanted to turn the church into a personal blood-bank? *Vicious left to the face*

St.E: *Skillful pirrouete* My child, I am the Pope. I can not be a vampire, any more than you can be a good Catholic. *Uppercut counter*

BEC: *Retreating, attempting to circle* So you deny the reports linking you to virgins drained of their blood, armies of undead servants, and Godzilla? *Jab! Jab!*

St.E: Blasphemy. *Duck, twist* I never even met Godzilla.

BEC: And your comment on pictures showing you, at a White House fund raiser in 1954, drinking punch with the aforementioned giant lizard? *Hard left to the chin*

St.E: *Off balance, reeling* You cannot expect me to remember the guest list of every function I attend. I am sure I have had punch or shared a hooker with dozens of Washington insiders at one time or another-*Glancing hook to solar plexus*- mere pleasantries of state, not evidence of collusion.

BEC: *Backing away* Then you also deny stories of a drunken bender in 1521, when you, Godzilla, and Martin Luther trashed the Vatican’s guest room? *Hurricane Fist*

St.E: I plead the Fifth! *Crane Parts Lilly Pad*

BEC: This is not a criminal trial, your Holiness! *OBJECTION* The Fifth can not be invoked!

St.E: I have diplomatic immunity from jurisprudence! *Legal JargPWND*

BEC: Your mother has diplomatic immunity! *C-c-c-combo!*

St.E: Your FACE has diplomatic immunity! *Moose and squirrel!*

BEC: Your mustache looks like Hitler’s! *Third Reich’d!*

St.E: Your FACE looks like Hitler’s! *Denied!*

Referee: *Whistle* Stop! Break it up, break it up! Invoking Nazis is grounds for disqualification. Both sides forfeit- match is a draw. *Godwin’s Law-ed!*

BEC: *Wiping blood from eye and offering free hand* Thank you for joining us, your Eminence.

St.E: *Spitting out tooth and shaking hand* My pleasure.

BEC: That’s all for this installment of Bob’s Educational Corner. Join us next time, when my concussion fades and I stop tasting purple. Good night, and good learning.